She was in year three when her teacher anounced that the class will participate in the "first communion"..She heard about how important this is for the forgiveness of sins that she inherited from her parents , that her parents inherited from her grandparents who inherited it from forefathers who inherited it from her great great great ....Traced back to the first couple Adam and Eve because they ate apples...She kept thinking how "eating apples" can be such horrible sins to the point that God killed them and burn them for eternity....God must be so cruel!?....Anyway , confession and communion are very important for salvation.
She was nervous about the confession...Very hard to think of at least five sins she committed..("lying, quarelling with sisters, envious of others who have food to eat, envious of other children who wear nice clothes and slippers, wishing that she has a home somewhere else ".)..those are the sins she was guilty of...So much more than what Adam and Eve did, therefore she is worse than them...
Oh, she hates the thought of the fact that she is worse, but wait, "hate" is a sin...
It was compulsary to participate in the confession except for the pentecostal kids, about 6 of them...They were the outcast, they will definitely go to hell because they don't belong in the catholic church..those kids are the weird ones so don't mix with them......
The librarian/religion teacher, was a mean,horrible,strict, God- fearing, holy and prominent member of the church...She was in charged of the organizing of the students to go to church for confession..
On the day of the confession, candidates for first communion were the first ones in line...All the girls were wearing beautiful veils ...Made of white lace, some were beaded, which made them all looked holy and pure..That girl didn't have any..Couldn't find any at home..Mother didn't bother for some reasons..That girl knew she was in deep trouble, she wanted to hide or just magically become invisible..The religious teacher spotted her ...Their eyes met...That girl's heart beat so fast as if it wanted to come out of her chest...She was very scared...The teacher, pulled her out of the line dragging her by the ear...In her mind, she was pleading for the teacher not to do it...Out of the line in view of all the students, she was paraded like a criminal, the most sinner of all...
"What is wrong with you!!?"..the teacher screamed on top of her voice. so that everyone could hear."you knew that you have to make a confession, you can't be in front of the Father (priest) without a veil...very disrespectful!!!."..
Still pulling her by the ear, the teacher walked her back and forth the long line of the students to show her the veils, the beautiful veils other girls were wearing...That girl feeling so guilty and ashamed of herself...Most of the students gave her that dirty look....She wanted to melt..Still pulling her by the ear, the teacher shoved her back in line , hit the girl with her knuckles on the top of the head and lent the girl a white hankie to wear as a veil......The girl felt like screaming and kicking and maybe strunggling that religion teacher...But it will be disrespectful and her head felt like breaking in half ...She wanted to cry but can't........
" You know what to wear for your communion i hope!...Tell your mother to make you hankie if she cant afford a veil !"....
"Father please forgive me for my sins, I lied, I fight all the time with my siblings, I stole something from my friend and I did not bring a veil this morning"..
She did not tell the priest about being envious of others who always have food to eat, she lied about stealing ..... She never stole anything, she just mumbled and made up stories, ( the more sins, she comes up with, the more she 'll be forgiven , she thought ) but she did not tell the father about how much she hates that religious teacher....The priest told her to pray 3 Our Fathers, 3 Hail Marrys and 3 Glory Bes...She knelt down and prayed inside the church hoping that she be forgiven..She prayed from the bottom of her heart...
In her heart, she did not want to participate in that communion...She will never forget the stares of the students and how small she felt in front of them...Somehow, her mother managed to borrow a white dress and a veil and white shoes for the communion...She was told that if the bread get stuck on the roof of her mouth, it means her sins aren't forgiven.....As soon as the bread touched her tongue, it went right up to the roof of her mouth and stayed there until it all melted.....She kept it a secret, she did not want anyone to think of her as the "unforgiven sinner.".....She had a couple more confessions and communions after that to feel some kind of belonging...But, the bread always get stuck on the roof of her mouth.....When she turned 16, she left the church....To her it is the coldest , unwelcoming, discriminating place of all and she did not feel the presence of a loving God in those big elaborate buildings called churches.
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When i left the church, i found God...In my heart God resides.....When I found God within, i became aware of the presence of God in my fellow humans' hearts and in most cases, the absence of God in their hearts...
The God that i know is not partial...The God I experience does not favor one from the other...He provided and gave many blessing even before he created mankind...He did not "die"...He continiously give life as seen in Nature..There is no original sin..Babies are born pure..Humans became "sinful" when they started desiring power over others..spending precious times of their lives disconnecting from fellow humans ....because it is how we become disconnected from the LOVE OF GOD . We are all connected by One Spirit..Humans don't realize the "Oneness of Humanity".....To kill a fellow human is to kill a part of us...Physical death is the extention of the greater meaning of life... God's ultimate blessing is the complete peace of mind even in the middle of chaotic world..and not the physical beauty or the amount of money and material things a person accumulates..Not the power of a few over others....To know the true meaning of equality and human dignity is a blessing that brings a complete peace of mind....
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Rather than put label on yourself as Christian, Jew,Moslem, Buddhist,or whatever, instead make a commitment to be Christ-like, God-like, Buddha-like and Mohammed-like" ...by Dr. Wayne Dyer " Once you have learned to enter your inner kingdom, you have a special retreat within that is always available to you"..by Dr. Wayne Dyer
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I have forgotten what i had for dinner last night, but i will never forget the face of that teacher and how humilliated i was being paraded..i will never forget that moment how my heart beat, the painful ear and the headache she gave.......But the most awesome part of this experience is the fact that now that i truly have found God,i no longer feel any hatred nor anger towards any....To me it is the most important blessing....not to feel hatred or anger......It is peaceful that way......
No matter how hard, no matter how painful, the gift of life really is very beautiful!...So i will continue to savour every moment of it....And each will always be defining moments for me...**hazelvee**
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